I Just Asked + Addendum: Love is Not a Victory March

I just asked my wife for a divorce. Married four years, together for seven. Hard to believe, hard to stomach, hard to feel what I’m feeling right now, but I have to feel it.

Just have to feel what I feel, and let her do the same.

Sometimes in life we fall into ruts. We gloss over things and ignore them. We forget about “great” or even “good”, and settle for “alright” or “good enough”. We’re taught that everyone does this, it’s normal, and comfort is more important than joy.

Sometimes you have to own the fact that it isn’t working, hasn’t worked for a while and is not going to work in the future. Sometimes you have to be brave and let go of the fear of hurting people. Sometimes you have to get over your people-pleasing and speak your truth.

Sometimes rejection is the greatest gift you can give someone. Sometimes you have to let someone go to allow them to become who they’re meant to be.

It doesn’t feel great, though. When you’ve spent seven years of your life with someone, with their family and friends and you with theirs, it’s hard to give that all up.

It’s hard to lose face, to sever those ties, acknowledge that some people who’ve been in your life may never be in your life ever again.

Memento mori. Be mindful of death. Remember in each moment of your life that one day you will die. A one-off or a thousand thousand lifetimes here and all throughout the Universe, no one knows. So what to do with this one single life? What is worth dedicating your time, effort, love and resources to?

What is worth worrying about? Is the Universe looking after me or not? Will everything work out how it needs to, or will it all fall apart?

Can I own and accept my shadow side? Can I accept that sometimes my actions will hurt others’ feelings, even when I know in my heart that it is the right choice?

I don’t regret this decision at all. I know that both our lives will be so much better if we allow ourselves to grow and flourish separately. I know this is the right choice, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I am allowed to choose myself and my happiness, and create space for others to do the same.

Face the uncertainty. Know that the Universe has your back.

Feel the sadness. See the beauty in pain.

Love the pain. Love the future. Stand alone against the wind.

And remember, words are words. Sometimes they jar something loose, and create space to change. You never know how things will play out.

Nothing can change until you talk about it, honestly state how you feel.

Love you guys so much, talk soon.

Update, June 2023: My wife and I are still together and working on building a marriage that works for both of us. In life it is okay to be different from others and the way they do things. I recognize that this is a very personal and sensitive topic but I also want to create space for others to talk about relationship problems or obstacles they may be facing and that it’s okay to face an uncertain future at times. Everyone deserves to be happy and one way we get closer to that ideal is speaking out when things aren’t working. My wife is a wonderful part of my life but I’ve never been one to pretend that everything is rosy in any facet of my life. Life is not linear, predictable or guaranteed. I write because I wear my heart on my sleeve and getting it all out is the only way I keep myself on this planet. If you’re reading this, thank you so much, and please never hesitate to reach out about anything. Love, hugs, and God bless.