I Didn’t Plan This

I didn’t plan this. I didn’t plan for things to be this way.

I didn’t plan to be thirty-seven years old, childless and completely lacking in direction or meaning in my life. I didn’t plan to have next to no career prospects that actually interest or challenge me. I didn’t plan to be an over-educated, under-achieving basket case whose state of mental health is typically tenuous at best.

I didn’t plan to lose all motivation around staying in shape, or even exercising at all. I didn’t chose to wake up most days feeling groggy, sick and old.

I didn’t plan for porn to completely rewire the arousal patterns in my brain. I didn’t plan on constant novel stimuli to destroy my ability to enjoy and be attracted to one person.

I didn’t plan on my career, my marriage and my life to be failures.

I just thought I was having fun. I thought I was just enjoying life and living my dreams. I thought you went to college for the experience and it didn't matter what you studied. I just did what everyone else was doing.

Everyone should go to college, they told us. Only poor people or stupid people don’t go to college. You’re not poor or stupid, are you? Don’t worry about the cost, the tens of thousands of dollars of debt that you’re taking on. Don’t worry if there are actually any jobs in your chosen field of study or if you’ll ever be able to pay off those loans. Just do it because that’s what people do.

Don’t worry about promiscuity, we are sexually liberated now! Sex is a physical act that is fun and has no intrinsic value or meaning. Have sex with whomever you can! That’s what everyone else is doing. All the cool guys are getting laid all the time and if you were getting laid all the time, you’d finally be happy.

Actually don’t even worry about getting laid, there’s always porn when you get home! That’s a behavior that has no consequences and is just a physical release. You can feel like an acceptable and viable mate via this thing that convinces you that hundreds, if not thousands, of women want to have sex with you and are having sex with you. You are a sex god and a desired and accomplished member of society. And don’t worry about the erectile dysfunction that comes with years of addictive overstimulation. That’ll never happen to you!

Travel the world, live your dreams. Don’t worry about career, careers are for suckers. Don’t worry about money, if you do what you love then it will come. Did I plan to be 37 and have no idea what I love doing? No, I did not. Did I plan to be 37 and have no idea who I am, where I should live, what I should dedicate my time to, or how to get my life back on track? No, I did not.

But I made all those choices. No one else is to blame but me. I was doing the best I could with what I had, and I still am. I am not okay with the state of affairs in my life or my physical, mental and spiritual health. I am not okay or okay with it. I do not know how to get back on track.

But I will keep trying. Yes, suicide as a concept has come back strong in my mind. When it hurts this bad and I feel this crazy, it comes back. A life without meaning or purpose isn’t a life worth living, as some would say. I don’t know if that’s true or not but it feels true for me. It doesn’t have to be a grand purpose or esoteric meaning, but it has to be something, something that keeps you around. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in my life thus far and that makes me want to check out.

But I am holding on, maybe mostly out of not wanting to create all the trauma and unnecessary pain my death would cause my family, my friends and my spouse. It’s sad that there isn’t more than that. I need to get my life back into a place where I can be excited about, and more importantly proud of what I am doing in the world.

Maybe I just need to get out of the city and back into nature. There is a beauty and peace there where I can feel okay with myself. In nature, we are all good enough.

I didn’t plan this. I didn’t plan to be this lost. But I will keep showing up and try to do the next right thing. I will try to build a life I love living and that I can be proud of, though I have no idea how to get there. But I will try, or die trying.